Broken

Bonds are so complicated.

Invisible, full of surprises.

Bonds hurt and heal a lot of things.

Heart, people, minds, views.

Worlds.

And this time, bonds hurt me beyond words.

Beyond time, beyond any possible vocabulary that could be used to express pain.

Bonds stole my courage and took away my sanity. A little at a time.

But sometimes, a lot at a time.

When the second one happens, I always find myself lying on the floor, asking God the same questions over and over again.

Why?

Why me?

I was always left unsatisfied though, because it was never answered.

A psychologist who volunteered to do a personality reading once asked me to draw a tree, and a face of a person. The tree that I drew was big, and I even drew a swing attached to that tree. But I used only one colour. My favourite colour. Black. The face that I drew was a woman’s, with long hair and her fringe covered one of her eyes. The psychologist looked at my drawings, and her expression turned solemn, as if I drew something repulsive. I don’t know much about psychology nor my hidden personality, but what struck me after that made the next customer in line stare at me.

“You’re broken,” the psychologist said.

“Is there something that you need to tell me? Something you want to share?” 

It weren’t the drawings that she found repulsive. It was me. She stared at me like I was a crazy person. Like I disgusted her, like I have just made the most sinful crime ever done by humans. Broken? What did she mean by ‘broken’? I couldn’t understand it, and although I wanted to know more, I hated the way she stared at me. So I answered her questions with a fake smile and shook my head politely. I left the booth, hurt.

I was broken, and I didn’t know what broke me.

Am I really crazy?

There again I lay down on the floor, asking God.

But no, I never get any answers.

I probably am.

What broke me exactly?

What was it that was so powerful and sly it broke me without me realizing? Reality bitch-slapped me immediately, reminding me just how fragile I am to be broken by something unknown. Something that is not even relevant or worthy to be mentioned in my memories.

On bad nights, I would watch a sad movie just to find an excuse to bawl my eyes out, venting all my frustration and anger in a direction which I think proper.

On nights worse than bad nights, the memories—painful ones--- would come to my brain and eat its cells so that my eyes would stay open and my body would tremble as my brain remembers every damn painful memory that I have.

The times when I get compared with my siblings.

The times when I was trusted with the wrong things, wrong secrets.

The times when I was misjudged.

The times when I lose a friend.

The times of betrayal in friendship.

The times of corruption in a family.

The times of failure. Small ones to the epic ones.

The tim----

The list could go on and by the time I was finished with the list, I sleep like a corpse. Cold, unmoving, a blank mind, and a frozen heart.

It took a while for me to solve the puzzle to the statement given by that psychologist. It took several more betrayals and pain, disappointment and wane until I understood just how broken was I.

I was broken beyond repair.

If I was a machine, I would be one of those broken cars in the junkyard, unused, wrecked and  lost its part and became the shelter of animals that would leave it once the rain stops.

It took around a year after that hideous personality test for me to discover what broke me. After multiple of hazards and misfortunes it reveals itself to my understanding. Upon understanding it I recognized that I had no power at all to drive it away. When I discovered it, I accepted my condition as it is. Even I knew that it has found my weakness and I, played with it, and destroyed me and everything I am.

It is the best silent murderer, the most skilful psychotic killer, the finest fraud.

Bonds.

A Second Chance

15 years after the war, 2 years after the big Apocalypt Storm.
The small amount of survivors.
Strangely enough; it's like the world goes to a state of rewind. Amidst the ruins; skeletons; broken railways, nature made its way anyhow, resisting the stench of death and the sorrow lingering in the air. Trees growing at the strangest of places, pushing away things that are on its way to growth.

Aeda sat on an old, rusty vehicle that no longer bears its original form and stares at her surroundings.
Little houses made from the remaining parts of broken buildings contain families or individuals who needed a place they belong to; a home. Ex-soldiers who guard the area, and women gathering at the center of the area; cooking what nature offered.

The sky is not as blue as they were before for dust and dirt fill the air and the clouds are only mirroring the colour of the water on earth. However, the sky is wider now; compared to before, when buildings were so tall you feel like an ant trapped in a maze and the top of the buildings is the sky for you.

Aeda regretted nothing. She never regretted living even though she lost so much during the war and the storm. Because she had always understood the meaning of "you reap what you sow", and it is only natural that humans get what they deserve.

Nature is cruel, violent, unpredictable in so many ways. Its wrath surpasses human's knowledge; its strength surpasses human's ability and concept of protection.

But nature is also kind; for after what humans thought is the end; is actually a beginning.

Aeda stares at the buds that will soon bloom into beautiful flowers. They grow unhesitatingly from the soil that was created from dead bodies. One end; is one beginning. Nature calls, nature takes, nature gives--

a second chance.

Defining Factor

“Hey, I was wondering something..”
Yuu turned to Miki and replied, “What?”

“We’ve never seen you walking with a guy.” She said, earning a sudden attention from Sora and an immediate addition from her, “Miki’s right. I never give it a thought before, but now that she’s mentioned it, we don’t see it much don’t we? Or, more like—we have NEVER seen you walking with a guy.”

Yuu chuckled, not willing to let herself get influenced by such an unreasonable topic.

“What the heck are you talking about? I’ve walked with Sho, Takuma, and sometimes with other classmates of ours as well! You’re being ridiculous!” Yuu shook her head slightly, although she knew very well where the conversation is heading to.

“We meant a boyfriend, Yuu.” Miki said nonchalantly.

“Do I have to have a boyfriend to walk with a guy?” Yuu replied, trying her best not to touch that certain topic.

Love and Relationship.

“You know what we mean, Yuu.” Sora chuckled.

“If  you insist on beating around the bush, then I’ll just be direct. How come you’re not getting a boyfriend?”

Yuu chuckled at Miki’s question. “That is so freakishly direct, you idiot.”

Miki and Sora laughed, but Yuu still insists on finding a way out.

“Because I don’t have to.” She answered and continued after sensing that her friends won’t continue anything after her; “I’m happy like this. I don’t need further reasons.”

“Just admit it, Yuu.” Sora grinned,

“Admit what?”

“You’re gay.” Miki laughed, earning a chuckle from Yuu.

“You want me to be one? Brace yourself.” Yuu got up and began to strip herself off her jacket, then starting to tease Miki’s clothes with a grin plastered on her face.

“Aww! No, dammit! Wait!! Sorry!”

Because it hurts.

Because it is just so freaking troublesome.

Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone.

Because being alone does not mean one is lonely.

Because it saves the time and tears and the ego.

Because it is not the only reason for one to be happy.

Truthfully, she does not see what other people see. She knew that being in love feels good, she had experienced it, but she also knows that a heartbreak is so painful and tiring. Why waste everything when there is another way for one to be happy?

“God created this world beautiful, Kazu. There’s just a lot of things. Why do people make it a defining factor for happiness? I mean, you can always make curry rice using milk if you don’t have coconut milk. The taste might be different but you’ll still get to eat curry because the defining factor is the curry powder you’re using.”

Kazu, on the other line, laughed.

“You have to stop comparing things with food, Yuu.” He said.

“It’s easier for an airhead like you to understand. I couldn’t understand it, Kazu. It’s not like I’m unhappy or something.”

“Well, you don’t see what they see, and they don’t see what you do. The least you could do is just shrug it off. This is one of the mysteries of life which some people will never figure out unless they experience the defining factor. Like—they won’t know the correct amount of curry powder to be used to make curry that they prefer unless they themselves cook it.”

Yuu chuckled, “Hey, stop using my style of comparison.”

“Well, you’re an airhead as well, just so you know.” Kazu countered with a laugh.

“Well, the next time anyone asks me how come I’m still single, I’ll just say that I’m aiming for hard-earned money first and when I’m rich I can get any young man to live with me.” Yuu changed the phone to her left ear since her right one is getting warmer.

“Put me on the list of those young men. I want to have a rich woman taking care of me.”

Yuu laughed at the ridiculous request and said, “Then train yourself to be a good whore, bitch.”

Both of them laughed.

“Alright, then make sure you finish the homework I’ve given by next week. If you do, then we might just have time for another fun experiment outside the classroom!” Yuu spoke before the lesson ended and gathered all the books handed to her by the students. Teaching in an international school takes quite a hard work, but it suits her just fine. Smiling at the last student walking out of the classroom,  she stared at her phone and realized that there was a text message.

She smiled while reading it, anticipating her dinner in two hours. She has enough time to have some rest.

Or just do anything in between.

Walking out of the school building, she recognized a silhouette through the sunset light. “You’re freaking late, you know. I got out of my office earlier without even saying goodbye to my friends!”

She sighed, “Aw, come on. Dinner’s in two hours.”

“Yes, but we have a lot of things to do in between.”

Yuu laughed. “I just thought of that a while ago.”

“Well then, let’s get going. We need to buy some clothes for this little girl. Kai couldn’t wait any longer.”

Kazu pointed his finger at her stomach, then looked at the car, where inside, their eldest son is playing with a Kamen Rider figurine.

“Let’s just get her to wear Kai’s old clothes.”

“How dare you~!!” Kazu punched her shoulder very lightly, laughing, walking slightly behind her, supporting her increasing weight as their daughter grows inside of her.

“And by the way, I feel like eating curry.”

“I want to eat nabe. You want to eat curry, you’re welcomed to go on your own.” Yuu retorted with a smile as she entered the car.

Kai, overheard his parents’ silly fight, interrupted cheerfully; “Let’s eat curry nabe then!”

Kazu and Yuu looked at each  other.

 “Well, the taste might be different but both defining factors are there in curry nabe. So why not?”

Kazu stated, earning an approving nod from his wife.